Womens Voices at Hypocrisy.com

Childhood Icons

lorenamae — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 18:24:17 +0000

Two more links to my childhood died this week. The first person who passed away was Soupy Sales. Hated by every parent, we children loved him. To put him in perspective, Krusty the Clown was partially inspired by Soupy and, like The Simpsons, The Soupy Sales Show was edgy and appealed as the antithesis to the gentle Captain Kangaroo.

As any Baby Boomer will tell you, Soupy Sales was famous for two things. First was the constant pie throwing. No one was exempt from getting a pie in the face and the kids loved it. It may seem so tame now but back then it was a prank worthy of Bart Simpson. Seeing Soupy Sales throw a pie at another adult was not only funny but also very gratifying, the equivalent, today, to a kid giving the finger to an adult. And there were a lot of pies thrown as it is estimated that Soupy tossed 20,000 pies. Surprisingly, his show’s guest list read like a Who’s Who of the 1960’s including Frank Sinatra, Shirley McClain, Jerry Lewis and even Judy Garland, all of whom received a pie in the face. Even though half the time we didn’t recognize the famous guests, it didn’t really matter. For we were too busy transferring the face of a teacher or coach or relative onto whomever was really getting hit with a pie and oh, the delight at the thought of that other person covered in pie and whip cream.

But what propelled Soupy Sales from a silly kids show into TV notoriety was his live show the morning of January 1, 1965. Not exactly pleased that he had to work the morning after New Year’s Eve, he pushed the envelope a tad bit too far. Before signing off on his show, he told all of his viewers to tiptoe into their still sleeping parents’ bedroom and take those “funny green pieces of paper with pictures of Presidents” from their parents’ pants and pocketbooks. He then instructed his young viewers to “Put them in an envelope and mail them to me! And I’ll send you a postcard from Puerto Rica!” At that point Soupy got hit with a pie as if to indicate it was a joke.

To his surprise, the children actually did what he told them to do; they stole the money from their parents and mailed it to him! He ended up having to state on air that it was a joke, and after apologizing he further stated that the money he was receiving would go to charity. But the story had a life of its own and snowballed into a huge fiasco in which the network suspending Soupy for two-weeks. Afterwards Soupy ended up even more popular and forever would be linked with this infamous TV story.

The other person who died this week was Vic Mizzy who was 93. Never heard of him? While neither had I. But if you’re a Baby Boomer, you could probably complete the following: “They’re creepy and they’re ….” And if you can’t remember all the words you at least could immediately identify where it’s from. Want to try again? Ok how about remembering the words to this: “The chores, the stores, fresh…, ….. …..”. No? Oh sure if you heard it sung you would know the source immediately.

For you non-Baby Boomers the missing word from the first is “They’re creepy and they’re spooky, mysterious and kooky, they’re all together ooky, the Addams Family”. The answer to the other is “The chores, the stores, fresh air, Times Square” and is the chorus to the theme song for Green Acres. While Vic Mizzy wrote numerous songs and theme songs, these are his best known works.

Although most people turn their noses up at theme songs, I think they are an important part of our culture. By the 1960’s and 70’s nearly everyone in this country had a TV yet at the same time, there weren’t that many channels available so more people watched the same shows than today. Unlike almost anything else before or after, these shows and characters brought the country together. And while most people can barely remember a specific episode from their favorite show, they would be surprised to realize that they had learned the show’s theme song. Some theme songs are more memorable than others and I would put Vic Mizzy’s Addam’s Family and Green Acres in that category.

My belief that theme songs are an important part of our culture stems from an incident I had while I was on a European tour comprised of young people aged 21 to 30. We came from all across the US and had little in common other than this tour and our twenty-something age. One night, while in Vienna Austria, we were booked for dinner in this smallish restaurant on the outskirts of the town. The restaurant was filled with locals who would all start singing at the drop of a hat.

After a few beers we began to haltingly talk to them and were soon asked to sing a song from America. We were stumped to find a song that we all knew. It was impossible as some on the tour like country, others liked pop etc. Then someone in our group started to sing the theme song to the Love Boat. To my surprise I discovered that I actually knew the words and was soon joining in. From there we went to The Brady Bunch, The Addams Family and yes, Green Acres. As silly as it may sound, singing these theme songs brought us together into a united group with shared experiences that helped to remind us we were Americans.

In the passing of Soupy Sales and Vic Mizzy, we say goodbye to two iconic men of the 1960’s. But they left behind images and words that will live forever and will always be a part of my childhood and of one special night in Vienna.

Phone Talk

lorenamae — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 17:02:58 +0000

If you are over 50 then you remember what a real phone looked like in comparison to the phones today. Up until the last decade or so, when you talked into a phone you were really talking into the phone. These telephones made sense. They were solid and comfortable in your hand. There was an earpiece that cupped around your ear and a mouth piece that was actually at your mouth. The only place to find phones like that today are in some offices but most people spend their time talking on little cell and cordless phones.

These old phones may be technological dinosaurs but they had some great benefits missing in today’s phones. For example, there was nothing more satisfying than slamming the phone down to show your anger to the other person. Or when sharing the phone, to huddle with a friend or family listening in to the ear piece together. Sadly, the art of slamming a phone is now a thing of the past. It is impossible to do this when all you do is push a button or close a lid to hang up on somebody. I must admit I miss the solidness and sound effects of slamming a phone especially when I want to end a conversation with a salesperson. Sure, we now have caller ID so that we can ignore calls from people but if you never slammed a phone you don’t know what you are missing. As for sharing a phone, forget about it with today’s cell phones. I guess you could simply put it on Speakerphone but that isn’t the same as sitting side by side, each with an ear pressed to the earpiece, as shown so tenderly in the classic telephone scene in Its A Wonderful Life.

All in all, the phones of yesteryear made sense whereas today’s phones seem downright silly. First, they are tiny in comparison to earlier phones. Sure this is what we say we want so that we can now easily slip a phone into a purse or pocket but we lost something along the way. I recently used my brother’s cell phone which was about the size and shape of a playing card. It felt rather foolish to put this thin square thing up to my ear. Even worse is that when placed against your ear most cell phones and cordless phones end about mid cheek. So unlike in the past when you actually talked into a mouthpiece that was positioned at your mouth you are now supposed to talk into the air and just assume that the cell phone up by your cheek is capturing what you say. It seems very bizarre if you think about it.

The other thing with today’s cell phones is that not only does it seem strange to talk into them but nowadays people spend as much time typing on a phone as talking on them. I would have thought you were nuts if you told me 35 years ago that I would be typing on my phone. But I look back to the old days when I was a teen and recall all the notes that were passed between my friends and I. So yes, I can see the appeal of texting, especially the feature of quickly deleting the text so that you never have the problem of a teacher confiscating a note and potentially reading it to the whole class.

Speaking of teens, when I was 15 my family moved and I was allowed to help decorate my new bedroom. There were only two things that I really wanted; a white shag rug (yes, really!) and a white princess phone just like the blue one shown at the right. I loved that phone. Unlike the other phones in the house, it had push buttons rather than a rotary dial. Huh. I bet kids today don’t even know what a rotary dial is! Or know about the mindless fun of twirling the phone cord around and around then dropping the phone handle and watching it spin faster and faster.

I also don’t think kids today are taught phone etiquette any more. As a child my mother taught me how to politely answer our phone, take a message and end the conversation. Today? Parents are often befuddled over the newest cell and cordless phones which their kids, however, quickly master. And as phones are no longer just in the house we need to define new etiquette rules to handle the new cell phone situations such as accepting calls in public places and handling personal calls or texting while at work. And of course we need to create and enforce laws banning cell phone texting while driving and maybe even ban talking on a cell if the driver is holding the cell. Or perhaps I am truly showing my age to even suggest phone etiquette when most etiquette guidelines are a thing of the past. That’s too bad for it is etiquette that allows a society to live together harmoniously. But that’s a topic for another day.

You are probably not surprised to learn that I still have an old fashioned “princess” phone. I like to occasionally use it, especially for a long phone call. My hand doesn’t cramp as much when I am holding my old bigger phone. I also discovered a major advantage to keeping my old phone – it works during a hurricane. When we had three hurricanes go over my town a few years ago one of the first things that went was the electricity which meant your cordless phones were now useless. Cell phone usage became very sporadic partly due to damaged cell towers and partly due to everyone trying to call in and out. Plus without power, if you didn’t have a car charger then your cell was useless if the crisis lasted more than a day or two. But my trusty old princess phone still worked like a charm.

Cell phones may do all kinds of things but you have to admit that they are rather plain looking and even the names are dull. Iphones may be terrific but to a preteen girl the name sure sounds boring in comparison to a “princess” phone. Better yet, remember when you could get a phone in the shape of a golf ball or poodle or dozen of shapes to suit your home? Now that was cool. So people today may be enthralled with their fancy little Ipod phones but they’ll never have a phone, like I once had, which was in the shape of a football and worked during hurricanes, will they?

What Is Their Children Learning?

juliehershey — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 21:40:13 +0000

Another Labor Day, another school year, and with these another chapter in the life of this family. Now that my mother is secure in her cozy studio and free of the burden of ownership, it is up to my brother and me to sell the modest rancher we called home for nearly fifty years, long after we each had established our own homesteads.

Mom has finally agreed to let go of Mountains O’ Things, and here we are muttering and grumbling as we try to navigate through the books, knick-knacks, sheet music, a Veg-O-Matic, old report cards (we won’t open those), pumps from 1960 and post-war purses from Europe (because American leather is just not the same quality).

Mom!! What are we going to do with all this stuff?!!

A small tapestry still hangs in a living room corner, a pretty little petit-point of a poem, penned by Dr. Dorothy Law Nolte and mounted with love in 1962, entitled “Children Learn What They Live.” During most of our childhood that little work of art remained in place, unobtrusively at home among a few rotating Masters’ prints, school art projects and family photos. Charlie and I and our younger sister took it for granted, never seemed to notice it, and went on with our coloring, our hopscotch, our coming of age, our inevitable rebellion, our reconciliation, our college days, and our young adult preoccupation with doing things better than Mom and Dad had done.

Alas, our day of reckoning came. We suddenly recalled the silent words embroidered on that burlap in the corner. They’d come back to haunt us and inspire us at every turn in the rearing of Lisa, Marianne, Aaron, Nathaniel, Adrian, Gabrielle, Alexis, Dylan, Estella and Elena.

I thought everyone grew up with one of those corny little samplers hanging somewhere in their homes. I guess not, because it seems a few too many of our contemporaries have missed out on its inescapable truth: Children Learn What They Live. How I wish those parents would understand that when a child lives with intolerance of diverse opinions, he learns tyranny; when a child lives in a sheltered cocoon of ideas, she learns NOT to evaluate the world of ideas around her.

Such is the sad case when parents keep their children from listening to the “propagandist” message from our (that means all of us, lest they secede from the union) president. They don’t want President Obama indoctrinating children with his socialist ideas that an educated society is a stronger society, that individuals and the world will ultimately benefit from greater knowledge about things and about each other.

Since the days of Fallout Shelters, of John F. Kennedy’s Council on Physical Fitness, Lyndon Johnson’s War on Poverty, Ronald Reagan’s War On Drugs, Barbara Bush’s Literacy Project, and so on, school children from every decade have been indoctrinated by a President’s message. How nice it would have been to opt-out of gym class all those years, but I was told to respect the mission of the administration who assured us that able bodied boys and girls are healthy and eventually make for good soldiers. Most of us agreed with only half of that, and we grew up evaluating our stance while sweating it out in hideous subordinating uniforms during the 600 yard dash.

I hate to imagine the consequences when children learn from their school principals that contempt for leadership is now acceptable.

Charlie and I know exactly what we will do with this bit of faded fabric that proved to be our most profound indoctrination. We will copy and frame it for every one of our descendants, and put them in storage. Then someday, as the kids and grandkids are sorting through our vinyl record albums, college textbooks, suede moccasins from 1970, roach clips, the Veg-O-Matic, frayed denim and real-paper birthday greetings, they can each say they’ve found a little treasure in the midst of all that trash, and pass it on.

My Hurricane Diet

lorenamae — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 14:02:55 +0000

I woke up this morning to discover that not only do we have our first named hurricanes of the season, Anna and Bill, but a third tropical storm popped out of nowhere in the Gulf. So what had been a nonevent, hurricane wise, all summer, suddenly has started with a bang.

Yeah! Not only does this mean the start of the hurricane season but for me it also means the start of my hurricane diet. If you have never heard of the hurricane diet, don’t feel badly. Although I founded it five years ago I haven’t told many people about my new diet.

Actually, I should have known that we would finally have our first hurricanes of this season during this weekend. You see on Thursday I did something that I haven’t done in a long time – I went grocery shopping. I dislike doing this and avoid it if I can. In fact in the 90’s when I worked for casinos where I could eat for free, I figure that in a four year period I walked into a grocery store no more than 5 times. My life has changed such that I have to feed myself which means an occasional trip to the grocery store.

I needed moral support so a friend went with me to the grocery store where I spent a whopping $67 on food. Now my freezer has more than a bottle of Absolut and a stick of butter and my refrigerator even has things in the meat and crisper drawers! So it comes as absolutely no surprise that we are now surrounded by Anna, Bill and a third tropical storm in the Gulf which seemed to have appeared overnight. Granted the first two may fizzle out before getting to the coast and the third will hopefully head towards the peninsular but it is still a reminder of what may come over the next few months.

So what is the hurricane diet? It was created out of necessity during a very active hurricane season in 2004. Like this weekend, I had just gone grocery shopping and had a full freezer and fridge when hurricane Charlie hit. As hurricanes are prone to do, this one ignored the weathermen’s’ predictions and at the last minute ramped up in strength to a Cat 4 and then swerved right and landed not in Tampa as projected but further south. Then it took a totally unpredicted course of running straight up the state and right over my house!

OK, as I was lucky and escaped damage I have to admit it was pretty cool. My family moved to Central Florida 30 years ago and this was my first encounter with a hurricane. Yes I was scared as I “hunkered down” in my bathroom but at the same time it was pretty mind-blowing to hear the weatherman state that “the eye of the hurricane is now directly over Altamonte”, the town where I lived. How awesome is that? But then my power went out and the wind kept blowing and trees falling and rain pouring down and things seemed a bit scarier.

After three days without power and with temps in the mid 90’s I figured that the food in my freezer and fridge was no good so I emptied it all out and threw it away. I started to think about refilling it but then came hurricane Francis during Labor Day weekend, landing on September 5th. This one came in on the east coast between Palm Beach and Cape Canaveral and yet it still angled upward such that she, too, came straight for my house. If it weren’t for the killer winds blowing down trees which then crashed into houses it was almost boring. Plus I have to admit that with Charlie there was a kind of initial novelty of having a hurricane in your backyard. But twice in a matter of weeks was a bit too much.

So imagine our utter shock in finding out that a third hurricane was now coming. We watched with total relief as Ivan missed Central Florida completely. It hit on the 15th with very destructive Cat 5 winds and as sorry as we felt for the folks in Mobile we couldn’t help but be glad it wasn’t us. However, as we were all watching Ivan, nobody realized that Jeanne was slowly building out in the Atlantic. And slowly was the word for Jeanne. It first developed around the 13th yet didn’t make landfall until the 25th. At this point we were all definitely over hurricanes; and waiting around for Jeanne to hit didn’t help. Following the exact same path as Francis, Jeanne slowly made her way across the state of Florida and for the third time in 6 weeks I had a hurricane pass right over my house.

A side effect for me of Charlie, Francis and Jeanne was that I lost weight. This wasn’t a planned diet and I didn’t even realize until the end of the 2004 hurricane season that I had lost 12 lbs! So how did I do it? Well, once I threw out the bad food in my fridge I then kept putting off filling it back up again. Why bother? Every time I thought about going to the grocery store there would be talk of another hurricane heading my way. And who wants to spend all that money on food when you might lose electricity for a few days as I did with each hurricane. So what did I eat? I am not really sure. I think I reverted to previous times when I would eat something for lunch at work (although now having to pay for it) and then I would skip dinner or perhaps have a bowl of cereal.

Now that we have Anna, Bill and no name Tropical Storm 4 then it is time to implement my hurricane diet. I just wish I knew what it consists of so that I can do it again! On the other hand, having just filled my fridge I am tempted to eat everything now before I get hit with a hurricane and have to throw it all out. But I do know that binge eating isn’t a part of the diet. I suppose that the key to my hurricane diet isn’t in avoiding carbs or fats or starches but by simply avoiding food entirely! And the best way to do that is to keep your refrigerator empty so that you won’t be tempted to actually eat. So who knows, perhaps someday my hurricane diet will be the next fad. Unless of course, those who are following the Mother Hubbard diet get noticed first!

Cougars, MILFs and Matrons

lorenamae — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 14:53:01 +0000

Have you seen the recent pictures of Madonna? Or more specifically, have you seen the photos of her arms? They are gross in so many ways. Do men find this look at all attractive? I can’t help but think that they just might prefer a softer arm rather than one which just might be able to beat them in arm wrestling.

Personally, when I see the new pics of Madonna for some reason I keep thinking of a plucked chicken. Now that she appears to have no body fat at all she has crossed over from being thin to being just plain scrawny. The real problem, however, is that it was bad enough that you dieted and worked out continuously when you were in your twenties and thirties but now you’re supposed to keep this up in your forties and fifties and even sixties, if you check out the pictures of famous older actresses. Not too long ago 39 year old Jennifer Aniston posed nude on the cover of a magazine. Good for her and persnoally I think her ex Brad Pitt was nuts to trade her in for Angelina Jolie.

But what ever happened to the idea of the matronly look when you hit a certain age? I always used to read about the matrons who had acquired a certain look due to gravity, age and good food and it was a look that was very accepted in society. But today, instead of being able to have that matronly image you’re now supposed to be a cougar or MILF.

Just to make sure I had it correct, I checked out the Urban Dictionary for their definition of Cougar which is “A 35+ year old female who is on the “hunt” for a much younger, energetic, willing-to-do-anything male. The cougar can frequently be seen in a padded bra, cleavage exposed, propped up against a swanky bar … gearing up to sink her claws into an innocent young and strapping buck who happens to cross her path.” Examples of Cougars who have married younger men are Susan Sarandon, Joan Collins and Demi Moore.

If you are married, and hopefully not looking for a younger man, then you’re supposed to strive to be a MILF which the Urban Dictionary defines as “mothers, whether married, separated or divorced, that a male individual sees as physical attractive enough to want to have sexual intercourse with them.”; hence the acronym for Mothers I’d Like to F… Nice, huh? One example of a MILF is Katie Holmes, but again, I think she has crossed over the line of thinness to being skeletal.

But it doesn’t stop with Cougars or MILF’s either. We’re now being bombarded with images of 60, 70 and even 80 year old actresses who are still working out and starving themselves to present an acceptably thin, toned look. Good grief! I mean have you seen these pictures of Raquel Welch at 67 or the queen of plastic surgery Joan Rivers (76) or Joan Collins, also 76 who continues to look sexy and glamorous. And then there was 83 year old Cloris Leachman dancing away. Don’t we ever catch a break? Are women going to have to hit the gym for their whole lives? Don’t we ever get time off for good behavior? Isn’t there a point when we can say enough already and let our bodies do what it is fighting to do since we were 20, which is to droop, sag, widen and bulge.

I’m not even sure the stores still make the underclothing to help bodies which have aged naturally. Do stores even sell girdles, that necessity for older women before the 1970’s? You could say that in the 1960’s and 1970’s we went through that “let it all hang out” philosophy. This was replaced with Jane Fonda’s workouts to whip women of all ages into shape. It was just our bad luck that unlike parachute pants and big hair, exercising is one craze that never died out. And of course, 72 year old Jane Fonda still looks great. You may not like her but damn if she doesn’t look great for her age.

And that is the key - age, older woman are trying to deny the fact that they are old. And that is a shame. I am truly sorry that society will most likely never go back to the old days where men appreciated the older woman who had a bit more curves than her younger counterpart. For when we can easily erase the lines age has etched on our faces with in a few minutes with Botox then there is no hope that society will ever value the experiences and wisdom those lines represented.

As I wrote this I have been wracking my brain to come up with a single famous woman who has allowed herself to age naturally. Finally, I thought of one example, although tellingly she is not an actress and never had to make a living based on her looks. My idol for ageing gracefully is 84 year old former First Lady Barbara Bush. Now here is a lady, in the true sense of the word, who has allowed the world to see every line, every crease on her face. And regardless of what we thought of her husband, almost everyone fell in love with her. We wanted Mrs Bush to be our grandmother, our mother. So forget trying to be a MILF or Cougar, I would be just as happy if I could be as happy and peaceful in my body as Mrs Bush was with hers.

Weddings and the Great Cookie Caper

lorenamae — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 13:04:16 +0000

Have you seen the Youtube video of the dancing wedding? This is the coolest wedding I’ve seen in years: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-94JhLEiN0. Isn’t that great? Kudos to whomever came up with the idea of changing the boring way in which every wedding begins - with the bridesmaids slowly walking up the aisle doing that step pause step walk followed by the bride walking down the aisle to the traditional music. Snore! Weddings are a serious, solemn occasion and yet they are also a joyous celebration of the love of two people and their hope for the future. So why not dance your way to the minister?

Speaking of weddings, my family is getting caught up in my nephew’s wedding plans. This is not only the first wedding in the family since my brother’s 18 years ago but it will also be the first time the entire family has been together in nearly 10 years. We’ve had other family reunions in the past decade but there was always one or two people missing. Last year I had to miss my Mom’s 80th birthday reunion and three years ago two of my nephews were absent from our vacation in the Smokies. This wedding is then extra special for who knows when or if we will ever all be together again.

So this is turning into a really big event. While the bride and groom, Meg and Jay, and my sister Carol are making the wedding and rehearsal dinner plans, the rest of us were making travel arrangements to fly to Dallas. The family has become quite spread out with people flying in from Boston, Virginia, Rhode Island, Florida and Nevada. There will be a lot of airport runs that weekend!

Meanwhile, my mother, who lives a few blocks from the wedding couple, has been arranging the Great Cookie Caper. Although the TX group lives north of Dallas, the wedding itself is in downtown Dallas and will be held around 8 pm followed by a reception afterwards. Since everyone plans to partake of the open bar at the reception it was decided we would all stay at the nearby Weston after the wedding. But an 8pm wedding with only light appetizers afterwards means we need to have dinner beforehand. Plans now include a good lunch earlier and then to save time (and money) everyone will pack their dinner of a sandwich, chips and cookies at my sister’s house. We would then drive down to Dallas in the afternoon, check in, get ready for the wedding at the hotel and munch on our packed meal for dinner.

My mother is in charge of providing the cookies. Twenty even ten years ago she would have baked dozens and dozens of cookies. But at 81 and living in a smallish apartment she has opted to instead, well, steal them. She lives in a lovely place for older people but it isn’t an assisted living facility, it is more like a dorm for old folks, where everyone has their own apartments and takes care of themselves. It is certainly a very beautiful place and does provide lovely a dining room for lunch and dinner; complete with waiters and a varied menu. It also offers a rotating menu of cookies and for the resident’s convenience the waiters will wrap up cookies for them to take back to their apartments for a late afternoon or before bed snack.

Now my mother is truly a very classy lady, a pillar of her church who taught her children to respect the law and authority figures. So how she came up with her Great Cookie Caper idea is beyond me. As you have probably figured out, she has now started to request two cookies after dinner which she is putting in her freezer to save for our dinner the night of the wedding. But it is not just her - she has enlisted the help of her senior friends, too.

So now there is a gaggle of grandparents requesting their two cookies after each meal and then surreptitiously handing them over to my Mom. I’m sure she has computed to the exact number how many cookies she will have by the end of the next two months. Living in Florida where the seniors are notorious for taking anything not nailed down at restaurants I have to admit that I was more than a bit taken back by Mom and her Great Cookie Caper. (And no I didn’t come up with the name, she and her friends did that, too.) But I have to admit she sure is having fun with this.

I chalk it all up to Wedding Madness that overtakes anyone involved with a wedding. The Texas crowd is already over the top about this wedding and the rest of us are catching it, too. We’ve already spent countless hours on the phone talking about dresses - not the bride’s but ours and what we will wear to the wedding, the rehearsal dinner, the luncheon at Mom’s, does it fit now, will we lose enough weight so it will fit then etc. etc. And to think, there is still two months to go….

Thank you Mr. Houghtaling!

lorenamae — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 18:21:50 +0000

There was an article in the newspaper about a 92 year old man who recently passed away. I had never heard of him - John Joseph Houghtaling. It almost sounds like a made up name but it is real, he was real. When I read about his passing away I couldn’t help but smile. Not that he was dead but because of what he had done when he was alive.

You see, John Joseph Houghtaling invented something that quickly became a highlight when traveling with your parents when you were a child and then later on a must try with your significant other. For his contribution to Americana was none other than Magic Fingers, yes the Magic Fingers Vibrating Bed.

If you are giggling at the mention of Magic Fingers then you remember the promise it invoked. But I am sure there are a large number of readers who have absolutely no idea what Magic Fingers was. Ah you missed out on one of the delights of the 1960s and 1970s for travelers, excited children, tired parents and eager lovers.

Just the sight of that metal box attached to the bed in your hotel room would make you wonder if maybe you had a few extra quarters; for that is all it took, 25 cents. One quarter in that metal box and your bed would rock you and bounce and massage you for 15 minutes. Parents would gladly hand over quarters if it meant fifteen minutes of near silence from overly excited children who had been cooped up in a car all day. And to a young lover it seemed almost decadent, to have the bed move on its own beneath you and your lover. Although frequently the mood would be broken as you both dissolve into laughter. Not only because it would bring back childhood memories but also because it would seem so silly and so very kitschy. And by the time you got your chuckles under control the fifteen minutes were over. But find another quarter and it will start all over again.

I think the real “Magic” in Magic Fingers was the promise and not the actual results. As a child it was something different, something exciting and fun which could only be found in motel rooms. There was also the idea that you were constantly told not to jump on the bed and now here was a bed that would bounce you around. How cool was that? For young lovers, or lovers of any age, there was the promise that it would enhance your evening. That somehow it could make a magical night more magical and even a shade naughty if only for fifteen minutes. Most of all, there was the promise to the weary traveler. It was advertised that it could help “you experience a relaxing, soothing sleep environment”. The promise that in fifteen minutes all the hassles of the businessman’s day, the traveling, sales calls, business meetings etc. would fade away thanks to the Magic Fingers.

Magic Fingers are now a thing of the past. Over the last decade it faded away until only a few roadside motels had them. I think Magic Fingers suffered from the same fate as Drive In Movie Theaters, Polaroid pictures, Paint by Number and roller skates. No one is quite sure why they slowly became obsolete, perhaps technology passed them by or people became too sophisticated for these simpler pleasures. Whatever the reason, thank you Mr. Houghtaling for giving us Magic Fingers. But with their passing, and yours, the world is now a slightly sadder place now.

Happy July 4th

lorenamae — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 03:48:08 +0000

I love the 4th of July. To me it is my second favorite holiday, right after Christmas.

One reason I like it is that for the last few years my brother throws a big 4th of July party on the 3rd and to me it is the epitome of a Norman Rockwell family celebration.

About ten years ago mr brother, Mike bought a house in the subdivision our family first moved to in 1973 which coincidentally was on July 3rd. In fact on our second day in our new home we went around the corner and down the street to the lake where there was a 4th of July picnic and fireworks. This was the only year the subdivision ever did this as the community quickly became too large.

Fast forward 25+ years and my brother bought a home in our old neighborhood just two doors down from that lake. Now it’s my brother who is throwing a 4th of July party on the 3rd. For the past few years they have rented out the community beach for their big party. And it is big. The last time I looked 81 people were definitely coming including 29 kids! Another 20-30 still hadn’t replied but most of those will show up plus if anyone from the subdivision stops by they are absorbed into the party even if they weren’t invited.

Mike and Candy throw a true summer beach party. They rent out one of those bouncy places for the younger kids, have lots of other outdoor games and balls plus people bring boats for tubing and water skiing. So the kids of all ages have something to do - even if it is simply giggling and talking to the cute boys which my eldest niece is getting proficient at - much to her parents chagrin.

When the families arrive, the men stand around the grills talking to my brother as he flips the burgers while Candy directs the women who are bringing mouth watering side dishes of pasta or fruit and delicious deserts. The simplicity of the food is another reason I love this holiday. Oh sure you could spend hours making some fancy pasta dish or doing those deviled egg thingies but people are happy with burgers and store bought potato salad and coleslaw. Or at least I am happy with it!

When the kids get hungry they swarm the tables then back to the lake or games again. Once the food is out the adults sit back in beach chairs sipping whatever cold drink they brought in their coolers. And that is pretty much most of the party - sitting, relaxing, enjoying the hot evening, catching up with people you only see at these parties, watching the kids have fun and eating too much. Ain’t it wonderful?

But it can’t be the 4th, even on the 3rd without fireworks. A nearby town has their big fireworks display on the 3rd. Lucky for us, if we stand on the dock or move our chairs to the edge of the lake we have a nearly perfect view of the professional fireworks. The only bad part is that men have to be men and play with fireworks on their own. Frequently my brother will have bought some stuff or some of the other men will have something so after the official fireworks we have the unofficial fireworks. The men set off their stuff while the women hold their breaths and check to make sure the kids stay far away.

Afterwards, everyone pitches in to clean up then most go home while a core group head back to my brother’s house where kids jump in the pool and the adults enjoy the air conditioning, soft couches and cold drinks, and not necessarily in that order. All in all it is a wonderful July 4th on the 3rd!

After saying all this, I can’t go this year. After my recent hospitalization and surgeries I am still a bit shaky when I walk. Even with my cane, I know I would be nervous walking on the grass and sand especially with all the kids running around. I did ask my wound care nurse if I could go swimming and was emphatically told no; not in a pool and definitely not in a lake. As I still have an open wound healing on my leg she would prefer if I stayed far away from lakes, dirt, sand and anything that could infect it. So that pretty much rules out going this year.

Instead I will have the kind of 4th that I use to have before my brother’s party. Tomorrow I have a therapeutic massage which I hope works or at least feels good. I specifically made it for 11:30 because across the street is a take out Chinese place. After my appointment I will load up on Chinese food for the weekend. Ok my food choice may not seem appropriate but I make up for that with my love of patriotic music. I am a sucker for a Sousa march and this is the last reason I love this holiday. I even programmed my new phone’s ring to be the Star Spangled Banner!

So the morning of the 4th I will watch the Williams sisters play at Wimbledon and hopefully in the afternoon a station will have Stars and Stripes, the old movie about Sousa or the classic Yankee Doodle Dandy. In the evening after my lo mein I will watch any and every fireworks display on TV and the more patriotic songs, the better. I am sorry to miss Mike’s party but I think I will have a grand ol’ time at home. I hope you do, too.

Happy Independence Day!